chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
