we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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