you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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