Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
