You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
