She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
