I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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