Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
