life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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