um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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