The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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