How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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