well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We are all done wearing pants today
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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