Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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