I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
