its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
