Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
