Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
