life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
