He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
