chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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