my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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