Can i not drive my cunt home
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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