she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
