Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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