I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
