The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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