I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
