there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Boobs are out for the taking
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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