i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Less talking, more tequila
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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