So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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