Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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