Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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