Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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