There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
