Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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