I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
