just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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