Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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