She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
