Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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