You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
