he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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