everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
