The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
