So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
