I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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