It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
