the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
