The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
