Pants 0. Shit 1.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Welp...herpes.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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